Trolling through the US patent office for kayaking related inventions is a bit like wandering around the Island of Misfit Toys. While some patents have been issued for products that have been introduced to the market, a huge number of patents have been issued for inventions that...well...most likely will name make it to your local paddling shop.

Here are a couple highlights that I found:

In 2004 a patent was issued for this Emergency Air System for Kayaks. In theory it seems like a good idea for whitewater paddlers but according to the filing, it was going to be intended for paddlers who fail their roll the first time and need another breath before trying again.

Here is somebody who invented what could be called the worlds most complicated hydration system for kayaking. It involves a bladder that held water behind your seat followed by a series of tubes through the deck of your kayak and up to your mouth. This was unique because of a squeezable bulb (mounted between your legs) which would be used to pressurize the bladder. No sucking for you!

I don’t know a single person who hasn’t said that they wished their kayak deck came with a set of luggage racks so I have no idea why manufactures didn’t jump all over this invention. Just think of the junk luggage I could have taken on trips if this patent from 1993 had come to market.

Speaking of people who like to bring lots of stuff, here is the perfect accessory for your next camping trip. This Buoyant Storage Vessel comes with its own cooler, gas powered stove and yes, a kitchen sink.

Looking at the filing, I couldn’t figure out how it would work in real life. Picture this, you get to your campsite at the end of a long day and then you are expected to drag it up on the beach to use it as a portable kitchen. Let’s hope that you have the 13-14 feet treeless, flat ground available at your campsite or else the whole thing is pointless. Even if you did have the space, the whole thing seems a touch unnecessary.

And finally the weirdest (so far) that I could find is described as, “an apparatus for use in evaluating paddled watercraft.”

From what I can tell, it’s a device designed to sit on the paddleshop floor that would allow a customer to get a feel for how a kayak would handle on the water without actually needing to be on the water. Not sure exactly how it works but it seems to have a series of rollers enabling you to test its stability side to side. How is this not in all shops!?

Did any of these items ever actually make it to market in a slighty different form? Let me know in the comments.

If you are like me you probably don’t have a lot of space in your living room to start building a 17 foot kayak.

To help solve that problem, Jöns Aschan from paddlingsfabriken.fi developed a papercraft kayak available for download. All you need to do is carefully cut out all the pieces with a pair of sharp scissors and tape it all together (just like the real thing). The price is €2.00 ($2.65US) and it works best if you can print it out on thick stock paper.

Looks like a great rainy afternoon project for sure.

Roger Zahradnik from Oshkosh, WI didn’t have a good day back on June 28^th when he was on his way out of town on a camping trip towing a trailer with two kayaks. Things were going well until one of the kayaks came loose, flew off the back of the trailer and landed in the ditch on the side of the road.

Roger quickly turned around but by the time he was able to get back to the boat it had already been stolen by vehicle also going in the same direction on the highway.

According to the Door County Advocate, police are looking for a white box truck seen in the area carrying a stolen green Wilderness Systems Pungo in the back.

Ahh the Pungo. That classic kayak that was so popular to make fun of via online video from xtranormal.com a while back.

Well here is one for the books.

A man in a kayak (not the guy in the stock photo above) in Mesick, Michigan was stopped by officers of the Department of Natural Resources doing safety equipment check on small boats. They told the paddler he needed a PFD but the man replied that he had enough paddling skills and was adamant he didn’t see a lifejacket. Never had, never would.

You can see where this is going.

The officers let the guy go with a warning only to have to rescue him moments later when he flipped his kayak in the 51-degree water.

After pulling the man into their boat and taking him to shore to warm-up they promptly wrote him a ticket for failure to wear a lifejacket.

You can read the full story here.

You can't make that stuff up!

Flickr photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/celloc/2922098608/ - http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/deed.en_CA

Anti-drug people talk about gateway drugs. You know, basic drugs (like Popeye candy sticks) that eventually lead you into the darker world of hard drugs (like Swedish Berries).

I’m completely convinced that kayaks is another tool of the devil to get you in trouble. Don’t believe me? Prepare to have your mind opened and blown.

Example one: A Michigan man was sentenced this week to two years in jail, 3 years probation and ordered to pay 56,000 in restitution after he was caught faking his death. How you ask? He decided to throw a his kayak, lifejacket and paddle in lake Michigan in hopes that he would be declared lost at sea.

After the Coast Guard searched for several hours, he was caught when he decided to return the messages that were left on his cell phone.


Example two: A month ago Lou Zimmer (kudos to his Mom for the great name) pleased guilty in Kingston, Ontario to creating a public disturbance by being intoxicated.

He got himself in trouble when he decided to go out kayaking one afternoon last spring. He remembered his booze but forgot his clothes.

He had the best excuse as to why he was paddling naked that day. Zimmer said, “I have psoriasis, a troublesome skin condition. The sun helps."

I bet it does.

So what’s the common thread amongst this massive list of hard core criminals? Yep, kayaks are clearly the Swedish Berries of the world.

Remember kids, stay away from your kayak because if you dance with the devil you are bound to fake your death or at least be compelled to take off your clothes and worship the sun. Don't cry that I never warned you.

Flickr Photo Credit: Étienne Ljóni Poisson

Holy Moses! Mark Frauenfelder, author and regular contributor to the amazing website, Boing Boing, just uploaded a post highlighting the benefits of building your own kayak balancing board. I don’t think that Mark is a paddler but he is a big fan of building your own stuff and editor in chief of Make Magazine.

You can read the full article yourself over at Boing Boing.

You see? True sea lovers go authentic.

I'm not sure if I would paddle ahead and risk getting shot or behind and risk running over a mine. Acually, I think I would join a different group...

Thanks to @Matik72 for the photo.

If you are visiting Cornwall, England sometime between now and the end of February, stop by the National Maritime Museum. They have a new display opening December 8 which focuses on the use of kayaks in the Second World War.

The most famous incident was turned into the 1955 movie called The Cockleshell Heroes which told the story of a raid in Nazi territory at Bordeaux Harbour in 1942. The plan was to try to sink several Nazi boats with limpet mines. Two of the ten soldiers who took part in the attack drowned and a further six were executed by the Germans but the mission was considered a success.

Who is the luckiest man alive today? The driver the school bus in the photo below. He only sustained minor injuries when he was able to move out of the way of a flying kayak sailing through his bus front windshield during an accident.

The woman in the SUV who hit the bus head on after crossing the middle line of the road is listed in serious condition and was airlifted to a local hospital. The accident took place yesterday (October 30) in Hossick, New York.